Tonight, I’m sitting here with my kitchen cleaned, homework finished, pets fed, dinner eaten, chewing gum. It’s my tenth piece in two hours. Two and a half hours ago I finished my dinner and began feeling the urge to binge.
Upon some reflecting and staring at my list of reasons NOT to binge plastered on the refrigerator, I realized that I wanted to binge because I felt I had failed and I felt lonely. Failure and loneliness seem to be my top two triggers for emotional eating.
What have I failed at you may ask? Well, I failed at another relationship that hadn’t even truly begun yet. A relationship that never was and a relationship that never will be.
How does our mind create experiences, hopes, dreams and aspirations so vivid that the loss of those possibilities causes us to mourn as if we truly lost someone dear to us? It was real to me. We would have been perfect. Everything would have worked in harmony. We would have moved back to the Midwest to be somewhere with seasons to celebrate the white winters with our two little girls and two little boys. I would have nagged him for being too impatient and he would have brushed it off with a joke that was bound to make me laugh and forget all about my complaint.
My life would have been full and complete just the way I’ve always pictured it.
It’s not real. It never happened. It’s not real. It never happened. I keep repeating to myself.
How can you lose something that was never yours? How can you lose something that never was?
And yet I grieve. I spend my time clinging and grasping to false realities and figments of my imagination and as they inevitably fade like the clouds to leave an empty unsatisfactory reality I struggle with.
Food can’t fill the imaginary void in my soul that used to be filled with fantasies disguised as precognition. It never was. It never would have been. It never will be.
So I chew my twelfth piece of gum to the sound of the washing machine waiting for the night to engulf the day, digest its challenges and bring me a fresh tomorrow with new precognition that is bound to pan out exactly the way I imagine.