You’re too nice to me

I don’t know how to do this.

I don’t know how to react.

I’d know what to do if you weren’t this good…

if occasionally you could be bad.

You spend time trying to make my life better.

You have my best interest at heart.

You make an effort to listen to all of my fears

and lay them to rest from the start.

I’m afraid to offer myself.

I’m afraid to offer my being.

I’ve done it so many times before

and people are never what they seem.

How could you be this kind?

What are you trying to hide?

When are you going to wake up?

I know one day you’ll realize

that this is not what you want

you’re just not ready

you didn’t sign up for this.

I’ve seen it before

I know how it goes

I’d rather not wait

until it explodes.

If I help it along

if I keep myself guarded

if I plant a few seeds of chaos

in this perfect garden

then I’m bound to just hurry the process

of you leaving

me hurting

and we can let go of it.

 

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Me, Myself and I …. and you

I just met you. You react to me in minimal ways.

You don’t seem to give me everything I expect from individuals that show genuine interest.

You talk so much about yourself that you don’t allow me time to talk about me.

You have opinions and views that are questionable, controversial or completely different from my own.

When I feel too much, you pull away. When I pull away, you run towards me.

Are you just selfish? Am I just not what you want?

I mean, I know I’m coming into this with minimal trust for you. I know I question everything you do and try to predict your behavior. I know I doubt everything you say and am more comfortable saying goodbye than trying to continue to communicate.

…but I’ve been hurt before. I’ve been cut deep. I’ve trusted with my whole self and watched myself deteriorate. I observed the cuts being filled with scar tissue so slowly and prevalent that they made me inflexible. They made me immobile.

_____________

You just met me. I react to you in minimal ways.

I don’t seem to give you everything you expect from individuals that show genuine interest.

 

I talk so much about myself that you try to forcefully talk about yourself.

I have opinions and views that are questionable, controversial or completely different from yours.

When you feel too much, I pull away. When you pull away, I run towards you.

Am I just selfish? Are you just not what I want?

I mean, I know you’re coming into this with minimal trust for me. I know you question everything I do and try to predict my behavior. You know I doubt everything you say and you’re more comfortable saying goodbye than trying to continue to communicate.

…but you’ve been hurt before. You’ve been cut deep. You’ve trusted with your whole self and watched yourself deteriorate. You observed the cuts being filled with scar tissue so slowly and prevalent that they made you inflexible. They made you immobile.

__________

It’s a lot easier to empathize with the other person than you think.

We have all been hurt. We’re damaged and we carry scars that affect our future relationships. Something has to give. Someone has to budge. Our communication will never improve if we continue moving along in distrusting and fearful ways. Someone has to start the fire before it can burn bright.

We’re all selfish. We worry about protecting our hearts. We want others to approve of us without considering that our behavior is not approving of them. Show a little faith.

Watch the beautiful cascade of effects that occurs when you start loving others freely without trying to predict their behavior or place them into a box.

No Tomorrow

What if you knew the world was going to end?

That’s the theme of the show on Netflix. The guy believes the world is going to end so he lives his life to the fullest with a girl that has been an anal Type A planner her entire life.

We live our lives with reservations, fears and uncertainties how things will turn out and what others will think of us.

I’d like to live without fear of what may happen tomorrow. I want to live my life for me.

I need to start taking more risks and being more bold.

I think I’m going to creating lists of things I will do and actually DO THEM!

Journey – Poker is like Dating

For those that are familiar with poker, a lot of times it’s better if you only get a few good hands that hit the board.

If you get good cards all the time that may or may not hit on the flop, you usually bet more, lose more and end up losing your money faster. If you only can easily fold your bad hands and only see a few really good hands, then you reserve your chips for those hands that are worth playing and end up doing a lot better in the end.

One of the hardest things to do in poker is folding a beautiful pre-flop or post-flop hand because it’s just not working out for you. Imagine, you have pocket aces and the flop comes out with cards that you know are just not going to work in your favor. Laying those cards down can be very challenging.

Thus is my life right now. I’ve raised the standards for what my partner needs to look like/act like. I admire so many things about the people I meet. They have so many amazing qualities and characteristics but there is just something that is not going to end well for me or us if I pursue it.

I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I don’t judge them for not being enough. I just know that it’s not going to be what I need if I stay.

It’s a lot harder than saying no to someone that is obviously a terrible match for me.

But I know that if you hold out for that optimal hand, it can win the the game.

Journey – Blasts from the Past

Last night I went to a concert. I got dressed up and looked absolutely perfect. I felt great about the image I was presenting to the world.

When I was there I ran into an old fling from a year ago. At the time of the fling, he seemed promising until his lifestyle and emotional instability started to create conflict so I ended things.

When he saw me he was impressed and I was impressed by him. He seemed to have gotten his life more together and seemed happier and healthier. He asked if I still had the same number and I said I did. He contacted me a little bit later.

He complimented me and then said he wanted to see me… that same evening.

When I said no, I also asked if he was doing better. He responded with, “I’m doing better every day. I’ll be even better after I do you.”

Normally, I would have responded to that statement. Depending on my mood I would have said something like, “Oh yea?” or “That’s silly.”

Those statements provide validity to the disrespectful statement. My self-worth is normally somewhat fragile which is why I normally would have responded.

However, this time… I said nothing and wrote him off immediately.

This to me, is growth. I’m happy that I’m in a better place now than I’ve ever been. I’m worth more than some text that places me in a superficial box created for other’s using-pleasure.

Today is going to be a great day. Light and love to all of you.

Self-Love Journey

I’ve decided to start a journey. One that allows me to fall in love with myself and all that I am.

I will continue on this journey until I feel at peace with who I was, who I am and who I’d like to become.

My plan is to watch inspirational movies, read inspirational books, do things I’ve always wanted to do and communicate with others on a deeper level without expectations.

I plan on keeping a written journal of my progress in hopes that I can help navigate my growth and path more efficiently.

Day 1:

This morning I woke up to my puppy jumping out of bed at 3:45 am. I took her to pee and she didn’t. I brought her back in and put her in the kennel to avoid her eating things and peeing on things while I got a bit more rest. Instead she cried for at least 10 minutes keeping me awake.

I woke up when she started crying again at 5:30. Then my cat peed outside of the litter box. I felt so frustrated and angry that I’m unable to train my animals to behave. I became even more frustrated when I reacted angrily because I’m not an angry person.

I made amends with everyone and drank my coffee.

I’ve been watching movies. Right now I’m finishing the movie Hector and the Search for Happiness. What I learned from this movie so far is that, we can have everything we need and still remain dissatisfied, purely by choice.

Last night I watched the film, How to be Single. From that film I learned that we have to let our right matches find us, at the right time, rather than trying to control fate’s timeline. In the meanwhile, we have to enjoy and appreciate what surrounds us. Live in the present.

Other films I’ve watched this week contained the following lessons:

  • Disney’s The Kid

We need to love and accept our vulnerable parts and give them the energy they need. We lest not forget who we are deep down because our inner children are still alive and well within us.

  • Good Will Hunting

We owe it to the world to pursue our strengths and gifts with abandon. We are the only people in the world that can provide the world with whatever it is we have.

  • Inside Out

Emotions can dictate our behaviors and our lives but each emotion works in harmony with the others. When you suppress one emotion, you are no longer in balance.

  • A Price Above Rubies

We are all made to be who we are and shouldn’t be ashamed to be that person. If we’re not hurting others, we should be proud to be ourselves.

 

Letting Go

I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to turn the page.
For if I do, it means, we were, in fact, just a stage.
 
Just a moment in time, not a living memorial:
not a pillar of hope for those that haven’t found glory
not rebuttal or proof for the faint of heart
not conviction and reward for all of our hurts.
 
 
When things end, does it invalidate their previous existence?
When things dissipate does it mean it was fake?
 
Or perhaps, rather, the spinners of fate couldn’t get it together
to allow for wear, tear and weather.
 
We’re all damaged souls, but we seek our matching pieces
to fill the cracks and smooth the creases.
 
If I feel an ache in my soul and body,
I know you were not just somebody.
 
Like smoke that leaves my lungs, I’ll let you dissolve.
Share you with the world and let them pass you around.
 
Until the day you find your way back,
or settle with someone that sets you on track
to fulfill all the beautiful possibilities you hold
to feed the fire that keeps you warm when you’re cold.
 
I know that what is meant to be will be
I have to accept that for you,
 
that’s not me.

Risk

Achieving great things is rarely a comfortable experience. We would rather spend our lives living in a state of disappointment, regret and dull pain than facing the sharp, intense yet fleeting discomfort associated with striving for excellence.

For the Known has predictable amounts of pain.

The Unknown is a dark abyss that carries unknown types, lengths and severities of pain and disappointment.

The Unknown is a place that is uncontrollable and requires extensive amounts of faith in the universe as well as in ourselves.

When will we believe that no matter what faces us, we will come out victorious in one way other another? Victory is already ours just for feeding our bravery and shunning our doubt. Life is just a cluster of opportunities to mold, create, pursue and attempt whatever it is that inspires us.

Love whomever you are whilst forming whomever you want to become.

Allow yourself the freedom to take chances and reap the benefits.

Whether you fail or fly, you are already better off than you were before you began.

“Shine like the whole universe is yours.”

― J.M. Rumi – مولوی

Love letter to myself

My dearest love,

Today is Valentine’s Day. I know this day is difficult for you. You’ve lost a lot and I know part of you mourns. Part of you mourns only because of your unconditional and undying love for those around you and all those you have given love and hope to.

This day has become a memorial for you. A memorial for all of those you have lost and all the parts of you that were lost in the process…all the scars that formed as a result.

The day has become so solemn: not because of the past but because of the broken person you feel the past has left you with.

This letter comes to you with a reminder that you are broken but you are perfect. You are broken but you are loved. You are broken but I LOVE YOU.

I’m so sorry that the other 364 days of the year I do not show it always. I’ve gotten so busy and wrapped up in meaningless shit to give you the care you deserve. I’m sorry that it takes so much for me to acknowledge and work on loving you the way you deserve.

I know we’ve always been together and we always will. We should work out our difficulties and be kind.

I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of how strong you are. I’m proud of how resilient you have been. I’m proud of how you’ve been able to come in and out of the storms and flames time and time again and continue to fight another day. I’m proud of how hard you’ve worked to find your path and follow your dreams. I’m proud of how much you love to help others and how compassionate you are.

Please let me love you. You don’t need anyone else. You just need me to love you. Only me.

My love will make you feel complete.

Those stones in your gut you’ve been holding on to that make you feel sick but make you feel less empty, please let them go.

The doubt you have that you will be successful and satisfied without some physical validation from particular populations, let it go.

The need to search for and denial of various experiences as well as the punishment that goes along with experiencing other things, let them go.

The constant need for validation from others to be yourself or to recognize “reality,” let it go.

You know what is real. You know what is right. You know what is beautiful. You know what is kind. You know what is necessary because you are not and never have been delusional or crazy. Your reality is your own and it is beautiful and lovable.

So today, you are my Valentine. I shower you with the gift of love and acceptance. I gift you with the promise that I will put in an effort to never be cruel to you again. I whole-wholeheartedly accept all of your flaws and encourage you to be everything that you are.

I love you so much.

Forever yours and with love,

Yourself

1

Addiction

I am an addict. I have been an addict from childhood. My addiction was fueled by the media and my situation. It was used as coping mechanism for my struggles. It got me through some difficult times and caused countless difficult times to occur.

My addiction isn’t alcohol. It isn’t cigarettes. It isn’t food. It isn’t sex. It isn’t gambling. It isn’t drugs.

My addiction has the ability to cause and has at times caused secondary addictions to all of those things. My addiction is love. More specifically, the promise of love.

All my life, I’ve believed love will solve everything. Love will conquer all. Love will make me feel whole. Love will complete me. Love will bring me joy and purpose.

I am focused all my energy on finding it. I have prioritized it above all things. I have neglected responsibilities and lost countless opportunities because of it. I have lost scholarships, become ill, become broke, become broken, and become depressed because of it.

If I don’t have it, I feel lost and deprived. I binge eat, sleep too much, engage in seeking behaviors, settle for sexual encounters that I don’t even really want and treat my body like shit.

When I do have it, I’m able to accomplish anything and everything. I can focus and thrive…

that is until it is no longer felt… until it is no longer enough… until it is lost again.

And the cycle repeats itself.

I have been a serial monogamist since the age of 17 and I have never felt comfortable being single or alone.

Why don’t we talk about this? Why don’t we address it?

Everyone else gets to discuss their addictions openly and freely. Everyone else gets help. My professor of Mental Health Nursing made a joke saying, “The best place to find a date is at Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.”

Are we seriously pretending this doesn’t negatively affect anyone’s lives?

Have you seen the number of people “settling” for whatever comes alone just to avoid being alone?

Have you seen the number of relationships that go on despite horrible treatment by one or both parties for fear of being alone?

Have you seen the prevalence of STDs, cheating, sexual exploitation, porn, romance movies and Cinderella stories?

If you’re in your 30’s… How many of your friends are single? How many of them are married? How many people think it’s acceptable to be single after 30?

Our society is built on finding a monogamous person to build a life with and succeed with as a unit, a team, a force. We are not encouraged to build a life on our own. We are not encouraged to be enough by ourselves and therefore sufficient support systems are not put in place.

I don’t know how to battle this feeling but I’m going to. I hope at least this can spark some conversation about it. Maybe others like me can come forward and offer or ask for support.