Achieving great things is rarely a comfortable experience. We would rather spend our lives living in a state of disappointment, regret and dull pain than facing the sharp, intense yet fleeting discomfort associated with striving for excellence.

For the Known has predictable amounts of pain.

The Unknown is a dark abyss that carries unknown types, lengths and severities of pain and disappointment.

The Unknown is a place that is uncontrollable and requires extensive amounts of faith in the universe as well as in ourselves.

When will we believe that no matter what faces us, we will come out victorious in one way other another? Victory is already ours just for feeding our bravery and shunning our doubt. Life is just a cluster of opportunities to mold, create, pursue and attempt whatever it is that inspires us.

Love whomever you are whilst forming whomever you want to become.

Allow yourself the freedom to take chances and reap the benefits.

Whether you fail or fly, you are already better off than you were before you began.

“Shine like the whole universe is yours.”

― J.M. Rumi – مولوی


Love letter to myself

My dearest love,

Today is Valentine’s Day. I know this day is difficult for you. You’ve lost a lot and I know part of you mourns. Part of you mourns only because of your unconditional and undying love for those around you and all those you have given love and hope to.

This day has become a memorial for you. A memorial for all of those you have lost and all the parts of you that were lost in the process…all the scars that formed as a result.

The day has become so solemn: not because of the past but because of the broken person you feel the past has left you with.

This letter comes to you with a reminder that you are broken but you are perfect. You are broken but you are loved. You are broken but I LOVE YOU.

I’m so sorry that the other 364 days of the year I do not show it always. I’ve gotten so busy and wrapped up in meaningless shit to give you the care you deserve. I’m sorry that it takes so much for me to acknowledge and work on loving you the way you deserve.

I know we’ve always been together and we always will. We should work out our difficulties and be kind.

I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of how strong you are. I’m proud of how resilient you have been. I’m proud of how you’ve been able to come in and out of the storms and flames time and time again and continue to fight another day. I’m proud of how hard you’ve worked to find your path and follow your dreams. I’m proud of how much you love to help others and how compassionate you are.

Please let me love you. You don’t need anyone else. You just need me to love you. Only me.

My love will make you feel complete.

Those stones in your gut you’ve been holding on to that make you feel sick but make you feel less empty, please let them go.

The doubt you have that you will be successful and satisfied without some physical validation from particular populations, let it go.

The need to search for and denial of various experiences as well as the punishment that goes along with experiencing other things, let them go.

The constant need for validation from others to be yourself or to recognize “reality,” let it go.

You know what is real. You know what is right. You know what is beautiful. You know what is kind. You know what is necessary because you are not and never have been delusional or crazy. Your reality is your own and it is beautiful and lovable.

So today, you are my Valentine. I shower you with the gift of love and acceptance. I gift you with the promise that I will put in an effort to never be cruel to you again. I whole-wholeheartedly accept all of your flaws and encourage you to be everything that you are.

I love you so much.

Forever yours and with love,




I am an addict. I have been an addict from childhood. My addiction was fueled by the media and my situation. It was used as coping mechanism for my struggles. It got me through some difficult times and caused countless difficult times to occur.

My addiction isn’t alcohol. It isn’t cigarettes. It isn’t food. It isn’t sex. It isn’t gambling. It isn’t drugs.

My addiction has the ability to cause and has at times caused secondary addictions to all of those things. My addiction is love. More specifically, the promise of love.

All my life, I’ve believed love will solve everything. Love will conquer all. Love will make me feel whole. Love will complete me. Love will bring me joy and purpose.

I am focused all my energy on finding it. I have prioritized it above all things. I have neglected responsibilities and lost countless opportunities because of it. I have lost scholarships, become ill, become broke, become broken, and become depressed because of it.

If I don’t have it, I feel lost and deprived. I binge eat, sleep too much, engage in seeking behaviors, settle for sexual encounters that I don’t even really want and treat my body like shit.

When I do have it, I’m able to accomplish anything and everything. I can focus and thrive…

that is until it is no longer felt… until it is no longer enough… until it is lost again.

And the cycle repeats itself.

I have been a serial monogamist since the age of 17 and I have never felt comfortable being single or alone.

Why don’t we talk about this? Why don’t we address it?

Everyone else gets to discuss their addictions openly and freely. Everyone else gets help. My professor of Mental Health Nursing made a joke saying, “The best place to find a date is at Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.”

Are we seriously pretending this doesn’t negatively affect anyone’s lives?

Have you seen the number of people “settling” for whatever comes alone just to avoid being alone?

Have you seen the number of relationships that go on despite horrible treatment by one or both parties for fear of being alone?

Have you seen the prevalence of STDs, cheating, sexual exploitation, porn, romance movies and Cinderella stories?

If you’re in your 30’s… How many of your friends are single? How many of them are married? How many people think it’s acceptable to be single after 30?

Our society is built on finding a monogamous person to build a life with and succeed with as a unit, a team, a force. We are not encouraged to build a life on our own. We are not encouraged to be enough by ourselves and therefore sufficient support systems are not put in place.

I don’t know how to battle this feeling but I’m going to. I hope at least this can spark some conversation about it. Maybe others like me can come forward and offer or ask for support.


…because I love Psychology and because this is something all of us do… I would like to share the common Cognitive Distortions and ways to combat them.
I’ll start with my favorite: Personalization
Personalization is when we either:
1. believe that completely external events or reactions from others are a direct cause of something we’ve done, said or thought. This type of thinking is very common in young children and some of us just can’t break the habit! E.g. “Mommy and daddy are fighting because of me. If I wasn’t here, they wouldn’t fight.” turns into, “My partner is angry with me because they didn’t text me back right away.”
Both situations have completely unknown causes and probably have to do with their own external events but we tend to believe that it was our doing.
2. believe that actions or superficial characteristics DEFINE our worth as people to the extent that we get depressed and defensive when others seem to shine a light on it. Jealousy and anger are usually an outward reaction to this (e.g. “He is so smart. He thinks I’m dumb.” or “She told me I hurt her feelings. She thinks I’m an evil person!”)
This is totally normal but it can be used for good or for evil!
In other words, if trying to view something as “within your control” makes you feel a sense of empowerment and motivation then it’s HELPFUL. If viewing something as “within your control” that is not is causing you anxiety and grief then it is HARMFUL.
So, as with everything psychology-related, we have to ask ourselves,
“Am I personalizing something that is not within my control?”
“Is personalizing right now helping or hurting me?”
If it’s helping, then check in regularly to make sure it continues to be helpful!
If it’s hurting, realize that whatever is causing you pain may not be within your control and you may benefit from just letting it go. Meditation helps with this! ❤
Here is an article on Cognitive Distortions.


I am a dreamer.

It has a positive connotation with many and a negative connotation with some.

“You’ve always got your head in the clouds.” versus “You’re always so hopeful and creative.”

The truth is, being a dreamer is death-inducing and promotes suffering to the utmost degree.

Being a dreamer means feeling the happiest in the future mindset.

It means, being most comfortable with a reality that does not, may never and probably will not ever exist.

Nostalgia is being most comfortable in the past, which is also not real or helpful.

The only thing that can ever bring us real joy is living in the present and forcing ourselves to stay there. Every moment of every day.

I realized this with the utmost terror. I don’t want to live in the present. I don’t want to experience everything as it’s happening and be forced to accept everything exactly as it is, flaws and all.

I haven’t accomplished enough here. I do not know enough here. I do not do enough here. I am not sexy enough here. I am not desirable enough here. I am not smart enough here. I am not enough…

In my dreams, in the future, I am perfect. My life is perfect. I have figured everything out. I have found inner peace. I have solved every problem, I have met every challenge and come out victorious.

But here, in the present, I am but a lost child. Flawed, faint of heart, frightened and undesirable.

Who would ever want this version of me, when I know what my perfect dream self looks like?

No, I’ll wait for her to come. I’ll numb myself and sleep until then. When she is here then everything will be beautiful, perfect and painless. When she is here, she will be worthy of everything and deserving of love.

I am a dreamer. Being a dreamer is only synonymous with dissatisfied and disappointed. Only waiting for that next chapter, always looking forward, never looking around.

Missing every moment in life until one day life is gone and there’s nothing left to experience and no more dreams to invent.


“I” versus “we”

When I write, I like to use the term “we” or “you” but never “I.”

“I” says that the subject affects me and me alone.
“We” includes me in the collective human population and says I am not alone.
“You” relieves me from all responsibility and allows safe discussion of difficult concepts.

This post, I will use “I.”

Growing up as a child I did not feel loved. I did not feel love-able, I did not feel desirable, I did not feel liked and I did not feel “OK” as I was. I let that feeling seep into my soul and reside there deep beneath all of the positive affirmations, motivational statements and make-up coated faces I have been presenting to the world.

It wasn’t until this year that I realized I never resolved my issues, I only masked them and buried them.

The problem with burying my insecurities is that when they started to come back up they did so like violent emesis. As I have refused to acknowledge problems related to my self-worth, they are forcing themselves into my consciousness at an inconvenient time with a fury that paralyzes me and ruins every part of my reality.

The only option left for me has become resolution.

I found the following poem by Mary Oliver in New and Selected Poems Volume One (1992).


My favorite part, is the second quatrain:

“Now of all voyagers I remember, who among them

Did not board ships with grief among their maps?-

Till it seemed men never go somewhere, there only leave

Wherever they are when, the dying begins.”

Mary Oliver, No Voyage

The poem struck me because it pointed out that grief and loss are the great motivators of men and voyagers. Without grief and loss, man does not board ship, he stays where he is to bask in the peacefulness of his present.

Anyone that has ever made a decision or changed direction in their lives, had to have experienced “the dying.”

Knowing that all of us have made decisions and changed directions at one point in our lives means knowing that all of us have experienced “the dying.”

Therefore “I” can not be alone in this feeling.

Brené Brown in The Power of Vulnerability, talks about what it means to be “whole-hearted.” She states that we only have the capacity to love others only as much as we love ourselves. She goes on to say that a vast minority of the “whole-hearted” were raised without shame and taught to look at the world in a more productive way.
This means that the majority of them were forced to “board ships” and travel to a place where they chose not to experience it any longer. So, they are not magical or fortunate, they are just determined to live a better life.

I believe success is achieved by ordinary people with extraordinary determination.

Zig Ziglar

Are we not all “ordinary people” with extraordinary determination to mold and perfect our raw perceived talents?

I don’t want to blame anyone for my shortcomings. I don’t want to point fingers at those that I feel should have taught me how to love myself. If they were unable to teach it, they were unable to feel it at the time and therefore cannot be held accountable. They did not possess it so they could not give it.

I just want to board my ship and leave it behind.

Leave behind the demons that whisper to me that I am a fraud. I am less than I claim to be. I am doomed to fail. I am not worthy of what I seek. I am an individual alone in a world of colonies that would burn me at the stake if they knew what I was, what I am.

Who’s to say that I do not deserve love any more or less than the next person. It is never too late to start believing that I am worthy of love and belonging. It is never too late to appreciate the pieces of myself that I have been pushing into the background.

I always told myself that I love myself but I do not trust myself.

I do not trust myself to do what needs to be done. I do not trust that I can make the harder choice during times of strife.

Trust cannot exist without love.

My problem is and always has been faith and trust. My track record for making the right decisions hasn’t been satisfactory. I have given in to unhealthy vices to get me through my darkest hours. I have settled for the available rather than being patient for the “best fit” options. I have developed little control over my childish impulses. I do not stomach discomfort long enough to bask in the relief but instead relieve the pain via vessels that cause more pain in the future.

I have to trust that I am capable of withstanding life’s obstacles and that I am enough.

“To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.”

Alan Watts

I have to trust that I can allow myself to float without grasping.

Few are given the easy road in life towards internal peace and salvation. Most of us are given the weaponry needed to fight our inner demons and whenever possible, the charm needed to make peace with them.

Sometimes I feel as though I were given a knife in a gun fight in this regard, but I could have been given nothing at all.

Eventually the storm will settle and I will have made significant strides towards a more peaceful existence. Until then, I have to accept that I am a voyager searching for the lighthouse that will bring me safely home.


2018 Chinese New Year Predictions for the Goat

2018 is the year of the Brown Dog. Since I am a goat, this is a summary for all you goats out there!


From karmaweather.com:


In 2018, the Goat (Sheep) learns to say no and manages to prioritize his personal goals for himself against the desires of his loved ones. He also realizes that he must rely only on himself to advance in life and succeed in his projects.

Score of the Year of the Earth Dog 2018 for the Goat: 6/10
Chinese New Year 2018’s resolution for the Goat: “Re-assessment

From Chinese Fortune Calendar:

When Sheep meets the Dog, the Dog will guide the sheep looking for the goal of the life. The modest and hard-working Sheep receives the big rewards.

Career: Sheep is in the Earth group. Wood represents career to Sheep. Dog is in the Earth group. There no Wood inside the Dog. Dog won’t directly bring you career opportunity. Or you won’t focus on the career development during the cycle of the Dog. Both Dog and Sheep are the same element of Earth. They can be career partners. Dog will help you to solve the problems and relieve the pressures at work. Following Dog’s leadership, you will have good income and job opportunities. Therefore, your career luck will be good.

Job Change: You will figure out your career goal. The new job opportunity will appear. If there is a promotion chance for a challenge position, then you can consider accepting it. The new challenging job is definitely required work harder. But you should show your capability of workplace adjustments and adaptations. Then you can slowly overcome the obstacles to accomplish your mission.

Wealth: Sheep is Earth. Water is afraid of Earth. Water represents your money. Dog is Earth without Water. Dog won’t bring you a chance to make a big fortune. Dog is related to the mountain. When it rains, however, mountain Dog will collect rainwater to Sheep. That means Dog brings money opportunity to Sheep once for a while. What you have to do is to follow the leadership of the Dog. As long as Dog makes its fortune, Dog will share it with you. For example, Dog has a big business project. Dog can give you a subcontract of that deal.

In general, your money luck is good. Since no Water inside the Dog, your money luck won’t constantly come. Having a good income, Sheep is easy to lose itself and pursuit for an extravagant life. If you are too greedy to receive the filthy lucre, you might encounter the trouble as huge as the mountain.

Love: Sheep and Dog can get along well. But they have only friendship without romance. It’s difficult for them to have speedy love relationship. In order to improve your love opportunity, you can ask people born in the years of Horse to help you. Horse and Sheep have attraction relationship into Fire. Horse and Dog have attraction relationship, too. Three of you together can have a good harmonic atmosphere when talking the subject related to Fire subject.

If you are single, then you should increate your social activities. Your lover might appear around your new friends. If you are in love, then you need a little bit patience for your slow love development. If you are married, then you probably will spend more time on career, siblings or financial investment. The time with your spouse will be shorten.

Social Circle: Your people relationship is fine. If Dog steals your show and opportunities, then you still have many other friends. Sheep is Earth and contains some Wood and Fire. Sheep can get along well with friends of Wood and Fire. Your Wood friends are Rabbit, Tiger, Dragon and Pig. Your Fire friends are Horse, Snake and Dog. As long as you want to show sincere, sympathetic, humble and understanding attitude to people, then you will received the recognition from the group.

Quarrel: If you have quarrel, dispute or litigation with someone, then this case will drag for a long time. Both Sheep and Dog are in the Earth group. Dog is Male Earth and Sheep is Female Earth. Dog has higher momentum. Sheep is good at resisting the high pressure. That will be a long battle, if nobody wants to give up. Because you cannot bring up a good reason to win the argument, it is best to reconcile with your rival as soon as possible. If you really encounter the big trouble, look for the person born in the year of Horse to help you. Horse will act a very good mediator between Dog and Sheep.

Health: Both Sheep and Dog are in the Earth group. Anything related to Earth will impact your health. If Earth is too much for you, then you should pay attention on your stomach and digestive system. If Water is too less for you, then you should pay attention on your kidneys, bladder and the urinary system. Sheep contains some Wood. If Earth is too strong and Wood is too weak, then you should pay attention to the liver and nervous system. Suggest you to often visit park, lawn, lakeside, riverside or beach to enjoy the fresh air.

General Fortune: When the opportunity knocks, don’t let it slip. Build more confidence to achieve your goal. Your persistent efforts can extend your luck to the next cycle.

Chasing Highs

As human beings, we all chase highs in one way or another.

We chase dreams of:

  • rewarding relationships
  • love
  • children
  • success
  • money
  • physical attractiveness
  • peace
  • respect
  • accomplishment
  • strength

We believe that once these dreams are realized that we will feel happy. Realization of the dream does feel good but for how long? A day? A week?

We chase bigger and more difficult dreams to make the high last longer and longer. “Once I find the love of my life, then I will be happy.”Once I have a family, then I will be happy.” “Once I’m out of debt, then I will be happy.” “Once I find my calling in life, then I will be happy.”

First of all, you don’t know how you will feel or how long it will last.

Second of all, by chasing what does not exist yet, you are essentially creating chronic dissatisfaction for yourself.

Lastly, happiness is something that does not come from external things, people or achievements it’s something that comes from acceptance and observation occurring within us.

How many times have you been in wonderful places but still felt dissatisfaction? How many times have you been surrounded by less-than-optimal situations but still felt happy?

It has nothing to do with the outside, it has to do with how we interpret our realities. It’s how we connect with the truth and make peace with it no matter what it entails.

It doesn’t matter if we’re ill, wealthy, beautiful, forgetful, anxious, and fat. It only matters what we think being ill, wealthy, beautiful, forgetful, anxious and fat means to us.

If you were on vacation and had the time of your life and gained 5 lbs are you going to be depressed about it? No, because the 5 lbs reminds you how wonderful your vacation food was. If you have been sitting on a couch eating cartons of ice cream, watching sappy movies and crying for a week and you gain 5 lbs, you’re going to hate looking at the reminder of your misery.

Everything in life is relative. We only experience things based on our senses and our mind interprets those senses.
But our mind is a sense all in itself.

Our mind is capable of manifesting experiences that haven’t happened and stimulating real physiological responses to those experiences. We can imagine being in love and feel our heart race and warm fuzzy feelings creep up our torsos.

We can imagine someone offending us and start to become infuriated. Our mind is ingenious and limitless but it can be fickle and sensitive. It’s OK to let our minds wander and dream, as long as we do not under-appreciate, despise, deny or ignore reality.

Our dreams are beautiful but so is the reality in which they are based upon.

“to live in this world

you must be able
to do three things
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go”
― Mary OliverNew and Selected Poems, Volume One




What is the Meaning of Life?

The question plagues us only in our darkest hours because in those blissful moments when all we can see is beauty… we already know.

I have spent the last two days, eating myself sick, lying on the couch, neglecting my pets, friends and family, avoiding my responsibilities and feeling apathetic towards my life. No thing had meaning. No thing had worth or pleasure associated with it. Everything felt impossible to digest or comprehend.

This morning, I woke up feeling the residual pain and discouragement of the days preceding. Determined not to continue with another day of misery and wallowing, I tried to meditate. My dog ate all my cat’s food while I sat and when I called her to be in my presence, she licked her lips so loudly, almost bragging that she had enjoyed what was not given to her, that it infuriated me further.

I begged for an answer to my problem.

“What do I do?” I asked.

“Tell me what to do, please.” I pleaded to the Universe.

No response.

I continued with my day hoping for an answer to appear. I started reading quotes about what others believed the meaning of life to be. All were profound but none of them struck me the way I needed to be struck.

Then, as I came across the following quote, I laughed.

“The literal meaning of life is whatever you’re doing that prevents you from killing yourself.”
― Albert Camus

Then I thought to myself, our meaning is there whenever we are not depressed and contemplating ending our lives. Our meaning is whatever brings us joy, contentment, happiness, bliss, purpose, love, peace.

Our meaning is whatever makes OUR LIFE worth living. We do not ask the meaning of life when we are happy because we do not care. We’re too busy experiencing it. We’re too busy creating it. We’re too busy appreciating it.

Philosophers have the most beautiful minds but think of their misery. Finding meaning in everything does not bring you joy. Creating meaning in everything does.

To find something insinuates that it is lost. To create something insinuates that it can be made, arranged, drawn, formed…

Stop searching. You have everything you need to create a meaning that suits you.

Letting go

“It’s only heavy when you hold it. But if you let it go, it’s got no weight at all. What heavy things have you got in your life right now? Job? Cancer? Relationship problems? Money problems? Is that heavy? It’s only heavy when you hold it. So why on Earth can’t we let it go? Why can’t we throw it away?”
– Ajahn Brahm from Four Ways of Letting Go | 09-04-2010
In this talk he gave 4 Ways of Letting Go and they were:
  1. Throw things away: the past and the future
  2. Learn how to be content
  3. Give expecting nothing back in return
  4. Have a Teflon mind

This beautiful soul had so much to say that touched me deeply. We are always holding on to things that hurt us. Carrying the weight and baggage of so many failed attempts, relationships, events, losses, future perceived failures, etc. that we are weighing ourselves down and preventing ourselves from enjoying life right now.

Our lives are beautiful. It doesn’t matter what our lives include. There is beauty in every thing and everyone because we are all connected as part of a bigger picture.


I’ve spent the majority of my life convinced that there is no higher power. I still do not have an opinion on the subject. I don’t need one. My feeling right now is that I am one with everything that surrounds me.

That feeling brings me peace of mind.

Do not let the things you have learned interfere with knowing the truth.

Ajahn Brahm spoke of this. He was not referring to “The Truth” in terms of more knowledge or trivia but universal truths:

The truths about loving others and existence unconditionally.

The truths about treating all things with equanimity.

The truths about sensory experience that surrounds you every moment.

Watch the talk! It’s very enlightening and peaceful.